A Topic Rarely Spoken About: Suicide

Suicide statistics is on the rise, but we rarely speak about it. Among adolescents and adults, many have become part of the growing rate. As a person serving a life sentence, I would be lying if I said I never thought of suicide. I believe it is common for the thought of suicide to cross the minds of men and women who are serving a long prison sentence.

Being in prison we lose everything: friends, relationship with our kids and family, our financial situation fall apart, our love ones struggle without us, some may even leave us. Any of these scenarios will likely cause depression.

When I was convicted to a life sentence without parole, my life flashed before my eyes. It was like a scene from a movie, in which someone is about to die. One of the worst feelings I had ever felt.

After being convicted I did not want to be alone. I wanted to be around people so I can take my mind off losing my life. But since I had a stay on my sentencing (because the prosecutor withheld exculpatory evidence), the county jail placed me in solitary confinement, due to the fact I was now considered “a convicted murderer”. Not only I was placed in solitary, my clothes was taken away from me.

My status was put on high and I was no longer allowed to be next to any human beings unless I was handcuffed. I was considered a danger to everyone, including myself, although I showed no signs of it. They fed me only finger food, mainly bologna sandwiches and chips. My last meal was at 2:30 p.m. I starved through out the day. The system was kicking me down, when I was already down.

Soon after, my girlfriend came to see me. It was a painful visit. She was beautiful and I knew I could not be with her. She was as devastated as I was. I remember her punching the glass and saying “what will I do without you!”. She told me then “you have to keep fighting to come home to me”. She made me promise not to give up.

For three months this is how I lived. Living in those conditions made it hard to take her advice and keep my promise. My mental health started to deteriorate. Although I initially did not want to take my own life, I started to consider it. Just the thought of spending the rest of my life in prison made me felt as there was nothing to live for.

One day I decided to take action. I tried to tear a mat apart to make a noose. But luckily the mat was tear proof.

From time to time throughout my incarceration I still would contemplate suicide. Although those thoughts crossed my mind, I never showed I was in despair. I smiled often, I acted as nothing was affecting me, but I was dying inside.

I once told someone how I felt. They responded with “you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else”. Hearing that I thought “what is there to love about myself? I’m in prison and I can not offer nothing to myself or to others. My life has no purpose, no meaning. I feel like a burden to my family who has to support me”.

Even the fight for my freedom has weighed heavily on me. All I hear is “no” after “no”. The more no’s I heard , the more I knew my dreams of being free was out of reach. Each “no” was an unbearable pain.

I was at the point where I thought death would bring me happiness and I would finally be free. But when it came time to take action, I would always fail.

One day I read something about suicide. It said “when ever you feel like you want to take your life, think about it and give it a few days before you try to do something harmful”. I think that is one of the best advice I found, because something in your life can change and it can impact your feelings. If I did not find that advice, I do not know if I would still be here.

I took that advice. Although I am still incarcerated, I know right now my main purpose is fighting to prove I am innocent. It is something worth fighting for and I am making progress. If I did not have something to fight for, I may of given up. I admit, it has been tough, many people have come and gone. There might be more “no’s” ahead, but I am fighting.

To anyone struggling with life, remember it will not be a cake walk, everyday can be a battle. The thought of giving up might still be there and probably won’t go away for awhile. But if we fight to get through it, we will find that piece of hope we need to keep going. Just believe what ever your going through will end one day. We just got to fight to get there. A little hope can make a big impact.